Musings On Trust, Magic, & My Place In The Universe
The last 6 months have been rough for me magically, my last relationship did a number on me. I didn’t realize it at the time but everything about that relationship reinforced this idea that life has to be hard and you have to struggle to make it work and that idea really clashes with my reality. My experience has always been one of trust, things might seem bad but there’s always a way if you just trust that the universe will catch you.
My last partner was an untrusting person though. She had no trust in herself, or me, or the universe, or anything and that distrust gradually seeped into my mindset and this idea just became lodged in my brain and it doesn’t want to budge.
Without trust my magic is weak and witchcraft feels lifeless and flat. Trust in my own ability and trust in the willingness of the universe to work with me instead of against me is the core of my magic. Without it I’ve felt like I was just going through the motions and the results were pathetic. This thing that has been a part of my life and a part of me for as long as I can remember just... stopped working. The one thing that had been my comfort and constant source of joy had suddenly become stale, it felt like a lie.
For a while I ignored it or tried to “power through it” (yet another symptom of not trusting) which of course only served to frustrate me and make me feel more powerless. Then I just sort of... gave up on practicing magic. What was the point if it wasn’t going to work? I’d just have to do things the mundane way which led me into a very depressing cycle of trying to force my reality into what I wanted it to be, overworking and subsequently crashing because it just felt terrible AND it wasn’t working.
I continued that way for a while, sliding deeper into this pattern until last night.
Last night something clicked. Or broke. It felt more like breaking. I can never regain my trust if I’m stuck in this cycle of struggle and despair. I have to stop and actually LET the universe help me, I have to pick my head up and take a deep breath and relax for a while.
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So I took a breath (really I listened to a hypnotism track and fell asleep until it was over but same thing). I did a spell and for the first time in a loooooong time it actually felt like magic. I felt the connection, I felt the warmth surge up my spine, I felt at home. It was nothing big, the spell was small but it’d been so long since the last time I’d felt it that it was like finding magic for the first time all over again.
For the first time in a while I felt like I could go back to my old self, like that girl who had magic at her fingertips and an endless amount of trust in herself and the universe might not be gone forever. I want to be her again, I want to live my magic and feel like my feet are on solid ground no matter how crazy the world gets around me.
I woke up this morning feeling strange, light and airy, like I’ve flown back in time but still I feel grounded. I lit incense and my thoughts weren’t a struggle and I feel relaxed and calm and connected. I’m going to find my trust again, excavate it from the layers of fear and doubt that it’s buried under. I’m going to sink back into my magic and I’m going to find that girl who trusts and make friends with her again.