We all have those moments when we just “can’t even” with people. I’m talking about those situations when you’re dealing with people who are disagreeable, annoying, in a bad mood, or just plain mean to you for no obvious reason. We sometimes meet these people at our job as clients or co-workers.
Sometimes these people are people who love us like our closest family members or friends. Sometimes these are people that we randomly cross paths with throughout our day like the person who cut in front of you at the grocery store.
Magic, being the practical personal development tool that it is, can help you deal with difficult people in a healthy way. This intuitive process will not only help you deal with difficult people, but it could also open up doors for your own personal healing.
Step One: Honor Your Feelings
We do not have control over our feelings, and that’s ok. A lot of the “negative” feelings we experience are simply ways that we try to protect ourselves. For example, we experience a strong negative emotion in reaction to getting rejected (or fear of getting rejected). A study cited in the book Rejection Proof by Jia Jiang talks about how the brain reacts to rejection the same way it reacts to physical pain, meaning you actually feel a physical sensation of pain when you get rejected. Crazy, right?
That’s why it’s so important to honor your feelings. If someone rejects you, and you feel bad, the temptation is to beat yourself up for feeling bad. Then you try to force yourself to not feel bad because you believe in the Law of Attraction and you definitely do not want to attract more bad stuff. Then, when you still find yourself feeling bad, no matter how hard you’re trying to be happy, you get even more down on yourself. You don’t know why you just can’t “snap out of it”.
This is a vicious cycle because when you do not honor your feelings, you’re actually rejecting your feelings. When you reject your feelings, you are rejecting yourself.
A Ritual To Honor Your Feelings
When someone upsets you, get yourself to a private space where you know you won’t be disturbed.
Cleanse yourself and your space before you begin.
Next, give in to your body’s natural reactions. Cry it out, yell if you can, clench your fists, stomp your feet, or curl up into a ball. Your body knows what to do when it feels bad. Trust that your body will act in a way that will help you heal. When it’s time, allow your body to release those feelings.
If you are having trouble letting your feelings out, get out your journal and start writing. Jot down the first things that come to your mind, stream-of-consciousness-style. Keep going until you start to feel the emotions energetically loosening up in your body. When that happens, let your body take over.
Step Two: Decide How To Handle The Difficult Person
After you have taken the time to honor your feelings, you have a couple options for how to move forward.
Option A: Perform a spell to help you move on and stand in your power.
Consider this option if you think this is an isolated incident with this specific person, and there’s nothing more you can do to improve the situation other than to let it go. It’s perfect for healing those short, random interactions that upset you, like when a stranger says something rude to you.
Flame Of Power Spell
This spell works by strengthening your connection to your own inner power.
What you’ll need:
- A purple birthday candle, or whatever you have on hand
- A cauldron or a flat fireproof container like a cookie sheet or skillet
- A journal and writing utensil
When you are sitting in your sacred space, begin journaling about why you believe you should allow this person to make a mistake and not hold it against him or her.
Sometimes bad stuff happens and sometimes people mess up. It is a very powerful move on your part to “hold space” for someone to act badly. It can sometimes help to remind yourself of the times you’ve messed up in the past, and how it felt others in your life lovingly held space for your not-so-nice behavior.
Remember, it’s totally possible to forgive someone’s behavior and move one without having to accept or approve of his or her behavior. It’s similar to saying, “You are choosing to behave like this, and I’m choosing to let it go.”
Think about this image: Two people are out walking their dogs. One person has a big dog, and the other person has a small dog. Imagine that when the two dogs pass on the sidewalk, the small dog starts tugging on the leash, barking and growling to protect itself and its territory. Let’s say the big dog just went through obedience school, so this dog calmly watches the little dog barking without engaging.
Is the big dog less “powerful” because it isn’t taking action? Are that dog’s strengths or abilities lessened because the little dog is being louder and more aggressive? No. It’s obvious to everyone else that the big dog is stronger than the little dog, and the fact that the big dog is showing such restraint in the face of the other dog’s aggression is impressive.
All people have the potential to be the “big dog” or the “little dog” in any situation. The only difference is whether or not a person chooses to stand in his or her power or to give it away.
With this spell, you choose to be powerful. Be like the dog that watches calmly.
Let me be clear that this option is meant for those occasions when people in your life make the occasional mistake. This isn’t the right method for someone who continually violates your boundaries or does something that requires action on your part. Make sure this method feels powerful to you when you are doing it. If not, use the other option mentioned later in this article.
When you feel like you are energetically ready to do this spell, hold the candle between your palms.
State your intention using the person’s name and what they did that upset you. Next, state the reason you are choosing to hold space for this person. Close with an affirmation about your power.
Here’s an example of an intention:
“I leave behind this experience between Hannah and I. Hannah made a spiteful remark about my work in front of my boss, and I choose to hold space for her behavior. I believe she made that remark from a place of fear. I do not accept her behavior, but I choose to move past it. Her remark did not lessen my power. I am powerful.”
Use a lighter to melt the bottom of the candle, allowing a few drops of wax to fall onto the fireproof surface. Press the bottom of the birthday candle into the melted wax and hold it there until the wax hardens around the base so the candle stays upright without you holding it.
Light the candle and watch the candle grows smaller and smaller as it melts. Notice how the flame doesn’t have to struggle or strain in any way to conjure up enough heat to melt the wax. It just does. That is the nature of your power. You just have it. You don’t need to do anything to prove it to anyone. It comes off you like heat from a flame.
Meditate on this idea as the candle burns down completely.
Option B: Dig deeper into the situation to discover an opportunity for spiritual healing.
If you believe that the universe is good, like many witches do, it’s reasonable to also believe that the things that happen to you during the course of your lifetime, however painful, are all experiences meant to support you and facilitate spiritual growth.
That difficult person in your life who just keeps pissing you off might be in your life to help you grow.
If this idea resonates with you, give this ritual a try:
Moon Water Healing Ritual
Set a jar of water out in the moonlight (under any moon phase) overnight. The next day, use that water in this ritual. You can make tea or coffee with that water, squeeze some fruit juice in it, or drink it plain.
If you don’t have any moon water prepped, and you want to do this ritual immediately, get a cup of water and sit outside under the moon. Hold the cup of water out for five minutes so the moon’s energy can seep into it. Then begin your ritual.
Drinking moon water is helpful when you’re doing this ritual for two reasons.
- The moon is wise. It has witnessed the secrets of many people, in many cultures, and it remains a symbol of power and wisdom for many witches today.
- The moon shines a light in the darkness, which is basically what you’re going to do in this ritual. You are going to look at your difficult situation and see if you can shine your light down upon it.
Sip your water and get out a sheet of paper. Write down the difficult person in your life and what that person is doing to upset you. Next, draw three vertical lines on the paper, creating three equal columns.
Label the columns: “Why (person’s name) does this”, “The Opposite”, and “How can I best handle this?”
Now, fill in the columns. Drink your water, and lean into the moon’s energy as you do this ritual. You are not alone. The moon’s energy will help you shine a light on this situation and give you the wisdom you need.
In the first column, write out all the possible reasons you think the person is acting this way.
For example, I had an issue with a co-worker who constantly belittled my job performance.
Here’s what I’d write in the first column:
- She thinks I’m not good at my job.
- She doesn’t like me.
- She thinks I’m stupid.
- She thinks I don’t deserve this job.
- She’s frustrated that I’m not doing it her way.
- She’s mean.
When you’re ready, move on to the second column, which you’ve labeled “The Opposite”. Take each reason from the previous column and make it say the opposite. This can really open your mind to new possibilities because sometimes, the opposite is closer to the truth. You can have more than one interpretation of the opposite statements. Just write down everything that comes to mind.
Here’s what I’d write in the second column:
- She thinks she’s not good at her job, or she’s worried I don’t think she’s good at her job.
- She doesn’t like herself, or she thinks I don’t like her.
- She thinks she’s stupid, or I think she’s stupid.
- She thinks she doesn’t deserve her job.
- She’s frustrated that she’s not doing it my way.
- She’s not mean.
Not all of these statements are true, just like not all of the reasons in the first column are true. They’re just ideas and possibilities. Go through and underline any ideas that feel “true” to you from either column. Allow your intuition to guide you, and don’t overthink this part.
In the third column, write out different ways you can address the situation. Brainstorm a couple for each underlined reason.
For example, if I underlined “She doesn’t like herself”, I can write something like this:
- I compliment her on her work.
- I thank her for something.
- I honor the pain she may be in, and allow her comments to bounce off me.
- I tell her how her comments make me feel because she’s not doing this to be mean.
- I assertively and respectfully tell her to stop because I don’t have to deal with her issues.
Pick a few of these actions to try in the next week and rewrite them on a new sheet of paper. Underneath each action, write how this action will heal or cause you to grow you in some way.
For example, if I choose “I compliment her on her work.” I could see that this action may help me heal my competitiveness, or my need to be the best. It can help me see that success is abundant and that her success, doesn’t lessen my success.
When you’re finished writing, thank the moon for its energy, and your ritual is complete.
Difficult People Are Everywhere
Life is full of these people, and sometimes, we are those people. Conflict is a natural part of life, and if you look at those difficult interactions through a magical lens, you can usually find several different paths to healing. The answers will always come to you because you are a powerful, magical being. Trust your abilities, trust your intuition, and trust your power.